Awkard Circus

To follow up on the puking situation last night. The puke is still there. But to make life even better
I went downtown today, which was a mistake. I seem to forget how fucking huge this city is. I wasnt even this overwhelmed when in Tokyo. At the crossing with like a billion people I didnt feel flustered at all. I feel like the energy here is insane. And apparently everyone goes shopping on Saturday. There is a store here called Primemark. It is like the Mecca for people who want to be hip but dont have money. So basically cheap ass clothes that were more than likely sewn by the bloody hands of Cambodian youth. but you can look super cute for totally cheap so whateverrrrrrrr.

Anyhow we went in there and I seriously thought I was in Wal-Mart day after thanksgiving. SHIT WAS PACKED!!! I couldnt even move-let alone pick out totally cute outfits.

We left after about 10 seconds. Then we went to Oxford Circus to go to H&M and topshop. Topshop is fuckin huge like 4 levels and tons of pretty nice clothes. Like Urban but better and more expensive. There is tons of shopping here but you have to have the loads of energy and persue the clothing like a bird of prey. Its ridiculous.

One time my dad asked me if I ever got sick of city life. Seeing concrete, sidewalks, bricks, building after building etc. That didn't make sense to me at the time because I never felt that way in Seattle. I love the city. Being in the center of London feels extremely confining. I used to feel that the suburbs in Salt Lake were suffocating. But I had a freedom there that I didnt realize. Since I have been here I felt like I havent taken a breathe. For someone with anxiety issues this is not an uncommon feeling- but it is lingering for longer than I anticipated. for as much as I love the urban setting and often feel liberated in its anonymity, I can see it becoming confining. Always pushing and shoving, running to places, trying not to get pick-pocketed, trying to not get to close to people on a crowded subway, avoiding people trying to hand you things or ask for things. This all takes more energy than I have mental calories for. oddly that question my dad asked me kept runnining through my head all day. I understand why Salt Lake feels better than Minsk- where everyday is a struggle. The constant presence of tons of people is heavier than I ever felt before. I find this odd because I have been to plenty of big cities before. New York, Tokyo, Prague, St. Petersburg, Berlin and so on---but this is the first time I have felt so mentally exhausted from just the movement of everything. Maybe its because I know this isnt just a vacation, there is some feeling of permanence here. I really am already looking forward to being back in Seattle just to regain that feeling of familiarity.



Oh in addition to that on the subway to go shopping I began to feel really hot, and faint. I just wanted to get out!! Then I started feeling sick. I told Kelley I needed to get out or find a bathroom faaaast. as I was swiping my ticket to get out I starting to puke and couldnt hold it. I couldnt even find a trash can. so embarrassing. I went into like a corner by where the guards station was were and puked everywhere!!! my head was spinning and I just wanted to collapse to the ground. I thought the guard would come and get mad at me. He came up and asked me if I was okay then took me to the office where they have a bathroom. I luckily was able to wash off and just sit and get myself together. Then they gave me some water. They were much nicer than I anticipated. apparently it happens all the time. Anyhow I came back out after a minute and started feeling better. especially once I could breathe outside air. I was really embarrassed but Tovah and Kelley were more than nice about it.

This is another instance of me feeling like I have no control and like a complete idiot in a public setting. It seems to be a theme for my time here.

The font color is a more than real description of how I feel today.


NAP TIME!!!!!