Awkard Circus

To follow up on the puking situation last night. The puke is still there. But to make life even better
I went downtown today, which was a mistake. I seem to forget how fucking huge this city is. I wasnt even this overwhelmed when in Tokyo. At the crossing with like a billion people I didnt feel flustered at all. I feel like the energy here is insane. And apparently everyone goes shopping on Saturday. There is a store here called Primemark. It is like the Mecca for people who want to be hip but dont have money. So basically cheap ass clothes that were more than likely sewn by the bloody hands of Cambodian youth. but you can look super cute for totally cheap so whateverrrrrrrr.

Anyhow we went in there and I seriously thought I was in Wal-Mart day after thanksgiving. SHIT WAS PACKED!!! I couldnt even move-let alone pick out totally cute outfits.

We left after about 10 seconds. Then we went to Oxford Circus to go to H&M and topshop. Topshop is fuckin huge like 4 levels and tons of pretty nice clothes. Like Urban but better and more expensive. There is tons of shopping here but you have to have the loads of energy and persue the clothing like a bird of prey. Its ridiculous.

One time my dad asked me if I ever got sick of city life. Seeing concrete, sidewalks, bricks, building after building etc. That didn't make sense to me at the time because I never felt that way in Seattle. I love the city. Being in the center of London feels extremely confining. I used to feel that the suburbs in Salt Lake were suffocating. But I had a freedom there that I didnt realize. Since I have been here I felt like I havent taken a breathe. For someone with anxiety issues this is not an uncommon feeling- but it is lingering for longer than I anticipated. for as much as I love the urban setting and often feel liberated in its anonymity, I can see it becoming confining. Always pushing and shoving, running to places, trying not to get pick-pocketed, trying to not get to close to people on a crowded subway, avoiding people trying to hand you things or ask for things. This all takes more energy than I have mental calories for. oddly that question my dad asked me kept runnining through my head all day. I understand why Salt Lake feels better than Minsk- where everyday is a struggle. The constant presence of tons of people is heavier than I ever felt before. I find this odd because I have been to plenty of big cities before. New York, Tokyo, Prague, St. Petersburg, Berlin and so on---but this is the first time I have felt so mentally exhausted from just the movement of everything. Maybe its because I know this isnt just a vacation, there is some feeling of permanence here. I really am already looking forward to being back in Seattle just to regain that feeling of familiarity.



Oh in addition to that on the subway to go shopping I began to feel really hot, and faint. I just wanted to get out!! Then I started feeling sick. I told Kelley I needed to get out or find a bathroom faaaast. as I was swiping my ticket to get out I starting to puke and couldnt hold it. I couldnt even find a trash can. so embarrassing. I went into like a corner by where the guards station was were and puked everywhere!!! my head was spinning and I just wanted to collapse to the ground. I thought the guard would come and get mad at me. He came up and asked me if I was okay then took me to the office where they have a bathroom. I luckily was able to wash off and just sit and get myself together. Then they gave me some water. They were much nicer than I anticipated. apparently it happens all the time. Anyhow I came back out after a minute and started feeling better. especially once I could breathe outside air. I was really embarrassed but Tovah and Kelley were more than nice about it.

This is another instance of me feeling like I have no control and like a complete idiot in a public setting. It seems to be a theme for my time here.

The font color is a more than real description of how I feel today.


NAP TIME!!!!!

Thank you Diamond White

I puked out my window last night....
I cant say why because I have a bathroom in my room which is clearly could have gone to.
I dont even remember why I puked....aside from thinking earlier in the night---I am really surprised I havent puked yet considering the amount of shit I drink/mix. white cider-which tasted like shitty white wine. chugging that clearly did me in. unlike in the dorms back in SU where there are many people below you and people pee-puke-throw any number of things out the window-etc there are only two other people below me. both of whom now have their windowsills covered in puke. I am clearly the culprit. well thats embarrassing. I wonder if anyone will say anything. I wish I could clean it but i really cant. I wonder if they saw me puking on their windowsills. sorry was that rude?

Adventure Parnter

I hate not knowing where things are here!
there is so much shit going on. I need to find an adventure partner. Everyone that I have made friends with here is great and nice...but at the same time not interested in the same things I am. It wouldnt even be a problem if there was not so many things I want to do here. As I mentioned tonight is fabric and I am dying to go. The girl I was going with is sick. I think its actually because she is trying to get away from the guy she was going with. Who knows. Either way I am bummed and trying to find a way to go anyhow. I miss having certain people I know would do something with me. I need to adventure alone. But I am scared that my friends would stop me because they think i would get lost,raped etc.
whateverrr I would totally take the risk.
Maybe I should put out an ad on Craigs list for a partner in adventure. This is clearly a way to net in a majoirty of the London pervert population. so it might not work how i want it to.

There are other shows I want to go to but I have not fucking clue how to get to them.


I watched the vice-pres debates yesterday. Not impressed. Jeff classified me as being a-political. I think politics in the US are really ridiculous. It more of a spectacle than a campaign. Reading the newspaper is just as well as going to perez hilton.com its all gossip, juicy tidbits and finding joy over others mistakes. In the US I know people are going nuts over the election. I must say I am happy that I can briefly tune in when I want and then not listen when I dont want. People here dont have such a stance on politics. They have some interest in US politics but its not the same kind of hyped up mentality over here. I really enjoy that. I cant say I have met anyone our age in the US who doesnt talk about politics on a non entertainment level.

I think our country is fucked either way. I don't really trust Obama because he is basing his campaign off of very vague ideas. Unity, Change etc. could mean a million things. I think its just a way to draw in a large variety of people with a very vague notion. of course unity and change is nice but it is clearly appealing to people for different reasons- ironically not for a unified notion of change, but rather a more particular disjointed notion depending on what the individual wants it to mean. Obama is a trickster if you ask me. and Urban Outfitters selling T-shirts with his face on them makes it further apparent the type of campaign he is leading. Fashion, commodity, image,coolness, celebrity, politics.....its all seems to stem from the same idea...which is why I think its retarded.

anyhow speaking of retarded its 5:30 and I am still in pajamas. time to reevaluate.

Sleeping ills - Sleeping Pills

So my habits of being a complete sloth have not been left in Seattle. In fact in my first week. I only have three days of class and 4 classes. I already missed on of the classes and woke up 20 mins before the one i had today. And I think I am supposed to be at something for my anthro of art one right now. I was supposed to follow this guy after our class but i got distracted and lost. I ended up just going to my room and eating. typicalllll. Although I do have a seminar in half hour. I finally got some sleep thanks to some sleeping pills I get at the grocery. I am trying to make sure that taking them will not become habitual.

I am always sooooo happy to hear from friends back home. Mat I think called me at what was like 6 am my time....for once I was asleep and clearly not for once he was drunk. I miss it.
Jeff tells me all the scoop with everyone as he sees it. So i am seeing everything back in Seattle but through the lens of Jeff. it gets confusing. I was happy to hear from Rochelle who seems to fall of the earth and revisit every once in a while. God I miss all the fiends.

Its like a total dilemma here. Everything is fun and awesome and tons to do. My classes are amazing and I get boners from the readings/ lecture topics on a regular basis. But then I dont have anyone that I am close to here. I dont like leeching on to people or forcing friendships. So I do what I can and try to not be too lonely. I dont know if this feeling is familiar to you but here I often feel that even in a room full of people, even with those I know it i feel rather alone. Sometimes this is very refreshing....other times really depressing. But I have much optimism about it. The alone time I am having was very much needed.

I am very excited for a number of things coming up.
FABRIC on Friday. Freak Nasty AKA: The Dip...Jock Jams anyone?

Going to visit Gloria in october when her group is in Paris via the CHUNELL....Art Boner Weekend
Justice is playing that weekend in paris as well at this club called QUEEN. looks amazing.
Me and Glo are going to fucking own that shit like NAPOLEON!!!!!!!!
and then Also looking forward to Gloria visiting me here in November. Its going to be fucking balls to the wall insane.

We don't have homework in my classes. We just have to do reading and then at the end there is an assessment. no tests just essay. I cant tell if this will be easy or not.

As for tonight I dont have Friday classes and me and some of the American girls are bringing back thirsty thursday!! i need to find some jello...which everyone here thinks means jelly...like jelly for crumpets. god damn. i am not making jelly shots for high tea. its fuggin jello shots to get TAAAAAAAAAAAANKEDDDDD.

okay my sister is reading this and probably crapping her pants. sorry.

okay time for my seminar. Anthropology of Art is cool we get to talk about indigineous people and how their art is silly compared to ours. jk.

JETLAGGGGGG

It has been over a week and I am STILL jetlagged. I cant fall asleep any earlier than 4am!!! Couldnt fall asleep till 6 this morning and now its 3 PM and I have just barely woken up. It feels like morning not midday...and I feel like a sloth not like a student.

Luckily I didnt have classes today. Tomorrow though I have two.

I had my first class here yesterday. I really like the structure. Its really independent. You go to lectures and there are readings each week, but ultimately there is only one assignment a term and no final test. at least not for the visual cultures department.

I am getting sick of people on my flat.Tovah is a fucking girl in the worst possible way...cheerleader, country music, juicy outfits etc etc. Paul is fun but seriously quite dim and is hard to talk to about anything. I really like Esther..the girl who is Goldfrapps niece but everyone on the floor hates here. I stand up for her though. but she makes it difficult. she was telling us at dinner last night that she has sex with someone who had a cat fetish....No one found it as funny as i did.

okay so this Friday some people I met are going to FABRIC. I am determined to go. I am not much for raves but its fuckin FABRIC and I am dying to go. And then go again when gloria gets here. Its fabriclive this weekend and the DJ is FreakNasty...clearly not my thing but couldnt hurt right.

okay gonna go try to do something with my life.

Uhhhh I am so irritated. Even loads of booze cant help the most awkward that means me! Adam who lives cross the hall from me thinks that I tried to hit on him. He has like a girlfriend thing and I am not even interested. He is like this posh southerner. Not really my thing. Considering Daniel pegged me as having crushes on guys that look like they are strung out on heroine. Apparently when I was drunk I asked to come in his room. I don’t think that means I want to BONE. I was just bored. I do that all the time in the dorms back home. If I can’t sleep I keep people around me up. So he started acting all awkward around me. Wouldn’t talk to me wouldn’t look at me. I was getting really annoyed. I didn’t know why he was acting that way. I asked Paul and he explained the situation to me. So of course what happens when I get drunk and am irritated with someone? Cambray repeat. I was the only one in my flat who went out last night and as I came stumbling back a destroyed mess from something called “Nail the Cross” where I had managed to steal loads of beer when the bartenders weren’t looking. Whats wrong with me…….. Anyhow Came back and started pounding on Pauls door. I don’t really remember the details…but I guess I started yelling things about Adam. I was only joking!! Then he came and knocked on the door and asked to borrow a dvd. I suspect this was a way to make me shut up. nope only made it worse. As he was stepping out the door I yelled “Hey Posh Spice I don’t wanna have sex with you!!!!!!” among other things. Well this morning I feel barely alive and now my floor thinks im insane. As Christina might say DON’T CARRRRE. I am curious to see how this pans out.

I can hear Tovah belting miley from her room. Not helping.

Some more predictions:

Jess- Will change her name to Guadalupe and become a crack whore in Ecuador……

Jeff- Become gay probs

Sean Shannon- Get a 65 year old pregnant.

Daniel- after many more futile attempts at relationships settle down and marry Mac. Gillian is not happy about it.

London will probably be the death of me. Well I dont have any kind of schedule till school starts and I am still jet lagged so I didnt get to sleep till like 6:30 AM
My flatmate Adam thought i had been kidnapped and apparently was knocking on my door all night and even got a security to come open my door but I was out till like 5 at a friends place. Its not even anything different than in seattle but for some reason I dont fall asleep everywhere like I used to back home. I am sure once classes start this will all change.

I neede sleeeeep.

Clubbbs eerywhere. Its insane. Its like they want people to be bankrupt and alcoholics. Classes on Monday thank god.