Quite Frankly the weirdest experience of my life.

This is so long. but bear with me it has some amusing points.


order to first explain the events in Amsterdam I think I have to still figure them out a bit for myself.
As I predicted Mat's visit would be the death of me. It surely may as well have.
Mat arrives late on the 19th- we go out- I get wasted- pee the bed-so thats day one. perhaps an omen.

The next day we do some random stuff I cant remember. Big Ben or some shit.

Then it is Sunday- we have a flight to amsterdam on Monday morning at seven which means we have to leave New Cross at like 4 AM. instead of going to sleep early we decided to get wasted and stay up all night and then go to the airport. This was a fantastic idea--NOT. Anyhow we get drunk the usual. Then make our way to SOHO. Its a sunday night so not much is going on. And we get there late like maybe one or two...so we end up going to I think one bar and drinking a Long Island. Thanks mat another fantastic idea. So im wasted and mat is just peachy. Im sleeping on the bus back-as usual. For some reason I think that we passed our stop and before I even fully open my eyes I yell " MAt WE GOTTA GET off NOOWWWW" so we do. and I realize we are in the middle of some ghetto by a 24 hour grocery store.
We finally make it back get our stuff and somehow make it to the airport and on the plane- I was told I had three items in my bag that tested for having traces of explosives. Interesting but they didnt take away my pocket knife- but my allergy medicine was clearly a lethal threat. So i was pissed and had just eaten a full bag of chips- and next thing I know I am in Amsterdam.

Amsterdam I think is a DisneyLand or perhaps a Universal Studios-for stoners. I had an entirely differnt idea of what this city was. We came at the slow season- winter. The seemed to be made entirely for tourists. Shit was entirely too expensive. bottle of cola for like 3.50 Euro on Average. wtf. where do they do that --excpet disneyland and airports??

So we wandered around for over an hour trying to find our hostel.I was so tired and grumpy I already hated the city. I kept thinking every way you go you end up coming back to the same place eventually. The city is a circle. built on canals. Finally the hostel. and we get there around 11 AM impractically already asleep and then he tells me check in isnt until 2PM!! wtf. I gave him the most pissed off look and said WHAAAT? uhm what the hell am i supposed to do for three hours--So i literally threw my bags into a corner and sat down. Then we went to a sports bar.


That night ate a space cake at some random coffeeshop. ended up falling asleep soon after- didnt feel anything.


then along comes the next day. I think we go to a museum also over priced. Museums should be free. It was the Van Gogh museum- they didnt even have that amazing of a van Gogh collection and some other modern art pieces. I wasnt too impressed but enjoyed some of the art. Oh and we went to the heineken brewery. the tour was pretty cool-got some sweet pics. not much beer though. whatev it was like 11 am so thats fine. It was obvioulsy built soley for American Tourists as everything was completly in English nothing in Dutch.
That night we go to a bar called Lux. It was prettty nice. drinks are sooooo much money there. I was pissed. but we got to watch some middle aged man dance like a retard and stumble around. he tried to flirt with me and all the other girls there but ended up sitting on the ground ---still dancing. then we go to BABA - what we had read was one of the top coffeeshops in Amsterdam. After the failure of the first space cake I am curious about this one. There is just jars of weed on each table. I guess you can just take as much as you need. and vaporizers on each table as well. It was cool. But since im no stoner I wasnt in any sort of weedy heaven. Me and mat got space brownies. I only ate half because it was so thick. Mat kept urging me to eat the whole thing. And then.......

we are back at the hostel. dont feel shit- im on the computers. and mat says -im feeling it whooooah-. so he wants to sleep and we go to bed. Somehow I cant sleep. my thoughts were so weird. I kept obsesivly thinking about things i had never thought of before. I began to plan this huge art project i wanted to do. but i couldnt focus on one thing and kept having to trace my trail of thinking. I still didnt think I was high. but i have some cookies by my bed and I really wanted to eat them. There are 4 other people in the room besides us. soo i think okay i have to be quiet its like 3am by now. so im making a plan. Get the keys, get my sweatshirt, get my shoes, get the cookies and go out into the lobby maybe the computer will distract me till i can sleep. because i cannot physically lie down anymore. I keep moving and stuff. so i start to get up and shuffling around. but then I think that this is hilarious. and I keep covering my mouth to stop laughing. here is my thoughts:

okay keys...keys shuffle shuffle
SHIT! stop laughing. okay keys where are they shuffle shuffle
laughing again
okaaaay focus!! focus!! keys gotHoodie more shuffling. there is so much shuffling and for some reason I have all these bags that keep making noise. plastic bags seemed extremely loud/funny. after at least a half hour of this I get up cookies in hand and go out into the lobby. I am so confused because where the lobby is- there is now a closed door. and thenI try to open it with my key--obviously cant. This other kid is there trying to open the door as well. we both start laughing because we cant open the door. I keeep asking isnt this where reception is? he said i think this is my room. i keep laughing by covering up my mouth because i am embarassed how i cant control what im doing. then all the sudden the door swings open. A man is outside in his boxers. he starts yelling at the kid. i just back away-clutching my cookies and stare. he yells at the kid saying " whats wrong with you" your not normal are you" and the kid realizes his room is on the second floor and runs up the stairs. I am standing there looking soooo confused. I keep looking up and down the stiars to see if i too have confused the floors of where the reception is. then there is this exchange
The man asks me- was that boy bothering you?
no.
he was not leaving you alone? he is very strange?
i was trying to say i was looking for reception and he was looking for his room.
i ended up just jingling my keys and laughing.
cover my mouth again.
-what are you doing.
-i .....giggle.
then lurk my head past the door where he is standing.
-you cant sleep?
-no...im now smiling uncontrollably.
-i think--shit he thinks im coming on to him by smiling and looking into his room.
then this is also hilarious and i cover my mouth again and look down.
-why cant you sleep
-this question also hilarious. I suppress the laughter.
-is someone snoring? is it cold?
-i just shake my head yesss. snoring yess
-then he glances at the cookies i am holding.
What are those?
-cookies.
why do you keep looking into the room?
-where is reception
-its here see
-i look again
-well its dark but its here
- i still keep looking.
-I want to say can I use the computer
-then he takes mycookies and examines them for seriously 5-10minutes
-these are good
-i would eat some but i just brushed my teeth
-keeeps looking at them
-american cookies huh?
-where are you from? the US?
- i struggle to explain being from the US and then he starts asking about mat.
- i start worrying cause i cant stop giggling and he wont stop asking me questions
-he is in his boxers with my cookies! i cant go back in there cause i cant sleeep!!!

so i manage to say - ohh my friend has a computer so i will just use that since i cant sleep. because i didnt want to go on the one in the reception area anymore since he would stay around if i did.
go back into the room- the door wont close. everyone hears me.
I am im seriously in a state of panic at this point and cannot control myself.
What do i dooo!!!!!
So I try to wake up Mat.
Mat heeeey mat. Wake up!
-whuuuut do you want
-Mat I cant sleep
-your making so much noise
-I know its cause i cant sleep. so i went out into the hall. with my cookies
-another fit of giggles i put my face in mats mattress
-shhhhh your being loud
-okay mat i went out there and i wanted to eat my cookies and then the guy came out in his boxers and wouldnt let me leave. maaat i dont know what to do
-your HIGH
-I know! hahahah
0 but seriously mat i need help
-im having a panic attack
-just close your eyes and lie down
-please come out in the hall with me
-no! go to bed. your waking up everyone being so loud
-mat come outside with me please.
- i cant go out there alone!
-just go to sleeep
-Mat im having a panic attack. If you dont come outside with me im going to start yelling!
one two three.
matttt! come on please.
mat turns around and i start shaking him, punching him and pulling his hair
none of which work.
YOUR THE WORST FRIEND EVER!!!!!!!
then I fall back into my bed and start to cry a bit/twitch.
okay i cant sleep
i cant go into the lobbby
what do i doo.
cant sleep
cant move
fuck fuck fuck. okay okay
i start texting jeff and then Gloria trying to explain the situation. then i start laughing. i coudlnt focus on the text and the buttons.
the buttons are so loud.
okay i gotta get out of the room-find somewhere to go outside or something,
so once again i grab my things. put on shoes- struggle with getting everything together. grab my coat and go outside.
run down the stairs.
realize im in mats coat. my pajamas tennis shoes and mats coat. 4 am Amsterdam. I start walking. trying to call jeff. sending him texts about almost getting raped and mat not helping me.
I keep hearing things. someone walking behind me. I turn around and nobody is there. someone is whistling and following me. turn around nobody is there. everytime i walk past someone they offer me crack. look at me!!! does it look like i need crack!!!
walking walking walking
thinking thinking what to do what to do
cant focus. im mad at mat
im scared of things.
i feel so paranoid. i stop walking and look around. then i start laughing. nothing! nothing! is open. i want to find an internet cafe so i can talk to someone. i just need a distraction. or else i have to keep walking. i have no more minutes on my phone. I call and try to top up my minutes. they cant do it outside the uk. i start to panic. the woman gives me five pounds in credit. I use it all in a two minute convo with Jeff trying to tell him what is happening. and that he needs to add minutes onto my phone from his comp. but i cant talk clearly. i starting telling him about the owner of the hostl. Jeff all I want was to use the computers and all he wanted was to....FUUUUUUUUCK
MY PHONE IS OUT OF MINS AGAIN!!!
and now dying from low battery.
so no phone no minutes
nothing is open
no one i can talk to
i just keep walking
walking
i keep going in circles.
I see some homeless guy on a bike and he tells me something. i realize im staring and jsut walk away. i see people in a cafe. oh no wait those are just empty chairs in an abandoned store. I keep seeing the man from the hostel. HE is following me!! how is he in the storefront!!
i am going insane.
walking walking
walking.
amsterdam-fuck you!!
the only thing in this city right now are drug dealers and prostitutes. no other sign of life.
coffeeshops- a place that might usually be open at this hour. but a coffeeshop in amsterdam isnt a coffeeshop and thats where the trouble came from in the first place.
i somehow end up at the central train station. i walk around there. ask if they have interent. no
there is a place across the street. i hear the directions and as hard as i try to focus on them i forget them immediatly. so i just start walking again.
okay so i now realize i wont be able to contact anyone. im freaking out.
one million thoughts run through my head every second. they wont stop. i keep seeing things. i keep hearing things. why wouldnt mat take care of me. why am i in this self-proclaimed damned city???? so i think of ways to get back. i see a broken store front and stare at it for a few minutes. dockers store. who would break into a dockers store. i wonder maybe they just drunkenly drove their bike into it. everyone here is stones and on bikes. biiiiikes.
fuuck. i keep walking. it should be getting light soon. its past six. still nothing is opening. nothing. no one anywhere.
after a bit more of this insanity. i find the path back to the hostel. christmas lights and stores for tourists. coffee shops and clubs. there is nothing in this city for a normal human life. a park, an all night cafe, a hostel THAT ISNT RUN BY A CRACK PERVERT
i walk more just to exhaust myself so i can fall asleep.
i get back into bed. somehow i fall asleep after some more anxiety. I want to go home at this point. i want my mom. i want contact. I feel soooo alone.
I sleep until aboout six pm the next day. still in a haze when i wake up.
i tell jeff on skype that im okay. i want to go home. i want to go home. so i sleep some more. mat is waiting for me to wake up. he thinks im mad at him. and i was. until i actually WOKE up. its already dark again. Its Christmas Eve!! we go to some italian place. Im soooo hungry. I eat a full plate of pasta and feel even more hungry.
we walk around and i tell mat about what happened. apparently he was trippin ballls as well and didnt even comprehend what i was saying. we were both so fucked.
there was something in those brownies. It was not just weed.

then we end up going out since its the eve of my birth. we go to a bar and share ten shots of jagermeister. we try to find supperclub. a famous club in amsterdam. cant find it. we end up going to two bar/clubs in our area.
my fave was
the club NEWS. full of middle aged people. we get there around 2 am and it is bumpin full throttle. The music there is the shit. from the looks of it it looks tacky but they are playing prince, jock jams, MAMBO no. 5, james brown, chubby checker etc. we drink some ridiculously over priced drinks. and this woman starts talking to me. she is hilarious from Ibiza. she grew up in Amsterdam though. she is exuberant and full of life.
In Ibiza we can smoke EVERYWHERE. cigarettes. smoke them anywhere! not in here though.
I tell her to smoke anyhow. and make flippin off motions towards the bartenders. FUUUCK EMMM. she gives me a cigarette and we secretly smoke them. both get caught and then yell fuuccck em. then me and her dance. she said she loves spain. spaniards are the best. they know everything. she asks me if i know the music. yes i do. she tells me about living life etc. she looks like and reminds me of gloria so i automatically like her. she tells me to live life. I tell him im livin iiiiiit! then she asks mat are you from US as well. i think she said LIVE YOUR LFE. MAt hears GET A LIFFFFFFE. hahahaah
either way its funny.
did she just tell me to get a life?
hahah
then we go to burger king to top the night off.

Christmas Morning. I feel like im still high from something and hungover. we go to the Rijksmusuem. seee some rembrandt and shit.
go to antoehr coffeee shop. i eat a special space cake. go out again etc etc. im finding everything funny but not tripping or hallucinating. this is a plus. we have fun. hit up BK again.

so our hostel:
the shower basically a gas chamber. so for the full 5 days neither mat or I shower. not to mention that my deoderant got taken away for having explosives on it. so i llok homeless im high as shit and delirious. and Its Christmas YAAAY. my gifts come in shots.
The bathroom i decide smells of a dead prostitute.

our roommates are interesting. two guys from Prague. who get high and read MAxim and visit the Hemp and Canabis museum. two girls that were traveling from Salamanca, SPain leave on christmas eve day. we didnt think that anyone was taking their place. but ohhhhh no
at 4 am someone stumbles in. I think its mat going to the bathroom. Mat what the fuck are you doing. no reply. then the figure walks over to where the two guys are sleeping. then stumbles around the room some more. I realize its not mat. then all the sudden he is sitting on my bed. I kick him
ohhh sorreeee sorrrre. he jumps up and simultaneously grabs my blanket.
THATS MY BLANKET. he stumbles to his bed. I say what the fuck out loud and try to fall asleep. well this man beats me to it. I didnt know that humans could snore so loudly. it was like a tractor and train crashed with every breathe. I turned on my ipod. music up all the way he was still snoring louder. I kept laughing. then finally fell asleep. he gets up at like 9 am and him and his buddies in the room next door start bang a ranging around. Who the hell is this asshole.
this hostel is officially whaaaaaack as shit.

pics to come soooon